Follow-Up:
Hi I've never posted anything like this before but I feel like I'm getting alzheimer's or some other type of demetia. I'm 25 and had a few problems with family issues such as fighting parents, mum who tried to kill herself and was rescued by me and issues with love and women that have really taken their toll. The day my mum tried to kill herself was my birthday and that night I went to my "friend's" house and I got stoned for the first time, I believe I nearly died as my heart rate was 250 bpm and was completely white all over and shaking for about 5 hours. The next morning I felt completely out of it and I have never fully recovered the feeling of being "all there". That was when I was 13. During high school I smoked lots of pot, took about 50 trips and did nitrous oxide and a bit of speed and ecstasy. I also drank heavily. I failed high school and went on anti depressants when I was 17 for 6 months before I ditched them. They were called cipramil, and though I don't recommed taking SSRIs I believe they did help a bit, even if it was a placebo effect. So then I travelled and met a girl, we had some cool times but I needed to come home to study so we parted, wasn't too heavy or anything. Then in uni there were times I would feel completely with it, fully in control of everything. But only for fleeting moments. I fell in love with this girl in 3rd year and that really fucked things up, I don't blame her as I was naive to not see that she was very manipulative towards lots of guys - since confirmed. Luckily when I realized fully what she was doing it was near the end of my degree so I was able to scrape through and pass everything ok. I nearly died obsessing over her for a couple of years, and am just getting over it now. I now have a good job but lately I've had trouble sleeping and get electric shocks in my brain when I try to go to bed which make me sit bolt upright worrying if I have had some kind of stroke. Sort of similar to the withdrawl effects of the meds but a hundred times worse. It feels like a lightning bolt has struck my head, the feeling is accompanied by a cracking sound and only lasts half a second or so, but it is really frightening. Usually when this happens I feel weak and have trouble coordinating my arms and legs when I get up to walk around to calm down. Added to this, I can sense when the feeling is about to strike, as I feel progressively more out of control in the moments preceeding the electicity. At work I feel spaced out, can't concentrate (I'm a computer programmer) and the code just looks like a mess that I can't decipher, even though I know generally what I have to do, I can't think or use my working memory long enough to do it. It is really frustrating, even today my team leader asked me to remind her what she had said to me about a job earlier in the day, and I couldn't remember at all, I think she suspects something is wrong. At a seminar on Java recently when I was fully awake I felt like I was going crazy and that I was losing control over my brain, which felt like it was shutting down. Then I felt like my mouth was melting or becomming very small and I had to get up and walk around to calm down. I can fully relate to the people who feel like they are living behind a glass wall, I've felt like that mostly since the mum and pot combination, also I went through a stage where I was completely too scared to go out in public, which doesn't worry me now. I am just worried that I'm losing it and that I will lose my job due to poor performance, which I quite enjoyed for the first couple of weeks before this started happening. If anyone has any ideas that might help me can you please respond? I try to talk to people at work about it and they think I am crazy, I know I'm not but I can imagine that it sounds crazy. I'm just describing the feelings I am having. Maybe I have brain cancer or something, maybe I am just emotionally f*******. Thanks.